Part 3: Accepting My True Reflection

I was so deep in the relationship the good was turning into evil, and my blessings were turning into calamity. We were so hungry sometimes literally we were willing to do anything. I ate the fruit and gave some to Bae so he could eat too. Our relationship went from the garden to the wilderness quickly that year, but of course I was silent. I could not tell my family the turmoil I was in. The only thing that was keeping us together was our brokenness and sex. Our brokenness completed the puzzle, and the sex created a baby.

            In 2006 the turn up was real! Shortly after my birthday I found out I was pregnant. I was scared of what my family would say because I was still in college on a track scholarship so I eventually told my mom. My mom was furious because Bae barely could take care of his first child, and he dropped out of school. I would be angry too, but you could not tell me anything. I stood up for him… in my mama house! I was definitely crazy in love by then.

            Weeks had went by and I was scheduled to go for my 12 week checkup the following Monday, but on Sunday night I was lying in bed when my water broke. I didn’t even know I was in labor! I ran to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down on the toilet blood was gushing out. I called my sister and mom into the bathroom, and we drove straight to the ER clinic. I was so scared and numb about the situation.

            We arrived at the clinic and I was immediately sent back to a room. Things were happening so fast, and Bae’s car was broke so he could meet us at the clinic. The doctor cleaned out my pelvic area and put my parts of my baby in a urine cup. When I looked at the cup I felt like another piece of me was taken, another part of me I was unable to know….I called Bae and told him we lost the baby and that’s when we fell apart. We were both crying our eyes out.

            The doctor came back in and said that I would have to go to the hospital because they were not able to remove the entire baby. We drove to the hospital and they were able to remove the rest of sac. The doctor also was able to determine the sex of the baby because I was further along than I thought. God had better plans for our son. He is definitely in a better place because his young parents were not ready to raise child of God.

            After losing our son I was dealing with depression because I was holding everything in. Bae was dealing with his own emotions but he was right there consoling me. At one point he had to stop me and tell me to let everything I was holding on to out. Later that month he told me that he was moving back home to Fort Worth. Umm…so now I’m losing you too! I had made him the center of my life. He was my everything!

            After he moved back home I was there every payday weekend. We planned to get married and I was going to move there with him. Once school started back I was unable to go to Fort Worth every other weekend. During this time a lot of insecurities begin to grow in our relationship because we were so used to being with each other all day every day. We both had good reason to be insecure because the one thing that was keeping us together could no longer be the glue. We said we were engaged yet we would date other people. Even though we were honest with one another about what we were doing it still broke our trust. We were chained to each other, but the chain could extend out giving us the option to connect with other people.

            Our relationship was spiraling out of control and the tattoo of our names on my ankle became less significant. I turned it into a dying rose that represented our son and relationship. We tried on several occasions to make it work, but we were growing apart. The forbidden fruit that once satisfied my taste buds was no longer, and the aroma of the fruit made me sick to my stomach. I will always love Bae, but he could no longer be my god.

             I turned around to God and realized He was standing there the entire time. My heart’s desire was to seek Him and ask God for forgiveness. I needed to know who I was in Him. I blocked out the voice of the enemy and put my blinders on so I could only see and hear from God. If you can relate to my story I am here to tell you “JUST TURN AROUND”. You may feel lost in the wilderness, but God is there. He is with you! He still loves you, and most of all he forgives you for the choices you have made. Now just forgive yourself. Surrender your life to Christ…He will see you through!

© 2018 by I Am G.I.R.L., LLC All Rights Reserved.

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