Okay so a couple of weeks ago I must have slept really bad because I woke up with a crook in my neck. It was so stiff and painful, so I tried take a warm shower to loosen up my muscle then stretched. It helped a little, but I am still dealing with this pain because I don't have the money to go see a chiropractor right now. I do not want to stay in pain, but I have to endure it until I am able to see a doctor. Until then I take medicine to help me cope if it gets too bad. This is only a temporary fix. I try not to stress over things because it will cause tension in my body especially my neck and shoulders. This has been really hard for me to stay calm because my life is not put together. It's a hot mess! This moment is taking me back to a feeling I experienced during my 3 pregnancies.
My 3 pregnancies were not planned nor prevented, but you would not have expected "little miss perfect" to be pregnant. The first pregnancy I dealt with a lot of stress and it was emotionally draining. The life I was living was not conducive for a child and God agreed. I miscarried a day before my second trimester. I was already broken but that shattered me. It took about a year before I could begin healing.
My second pregnancy I was in an unstable "breakup to makeup" relationship. So, you can guess when I got pregnant. I was nervous about miscarrying again, so I stayed as calm and peaceful as I could be considering that he was talking to multiple women in secret and verbally disrespectful at times. This pregnancy thankfully made it to full term and after the birth of my daughter I developed a "not gonna break me" spirit so I broke away from that relationship. When I broke away I left a piece of me with him. Or should I say pieces of my confidence, self -esteem, and self -love. In order for me to replace the missing pieces I thought I would find another man. I found him and thought that he was my missing piece. Decisions made based on brokenness can lead to bad choices.... it shows that you are all about self. This was a "friends with benefits" situation because we could never commit to one another due to lack of trust on both of our ends. Every 3 months we would decide it was going to work out and then we would get the "hey stranger" text. I would respond to the text hoping that it would work this time.
Well, Instead of receiving a relationship I conceived a baby. Somehow between me having sex and me finding out I was pregnant we had already lost communication. I thought to save myself from embarrassment and being another statistic, I decided to get an abortion. This was my lowest point in my life. I wanted to inadvertently hurt him and make him feel what I felt … worthless. I did not feel worthy of being a mother to another child because I was barely making it work with my daughter and her father. I numbed my emotions and made the selfish decision to swallow the pill. I aborted an innocent soul when I was 4 weeks pregnant. I eventually told him what I did and I knew that our relationship would never be the same. A few years later I went to a training to get certified in christian counseling woman who were post abortion. Little did I know that this training was the healing I needed. This organization counsel women to prevent them from having an abortion, and they offer counseling to women like myself who went through an abortion without confiding in a counselor. God forgave me, but I had to forgive myself to begin the healing process. These pregnancies were deeper than the physical. I had to take time for myself and dig deeper as to why I have been willing to sacrifice my mind, body, and spirit for man and not for God. Why had I not been able to die to self? I am not pregnant but the emotional weight I carried then I still find myself carrying when times get hard. I try to keep it together on the outside while my emotions are wreaking havoc on the inside.
I find myself making sure what people see looks good and is well kept hoping this will keep my insides together. If you were to look at me you couldn't tell I was in pain. Have you felt like this or are you going through the same thing? Have you been using your status to mask your true self? How many of you know that this is a learned behavior. We all wear masks but everybody's mask may look different. Some people express their pain through anger, depression, silence, or happiness. Are you or do you know people that try to laugh their pain away. They avoid addressing the pain with laughter? Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having a sense of humor but when it is used to mask your pain it has the potential to slow down your progress. We all want to avoid talking about the pain, even Jesus wanted to avoid crucifixion but he reminds us that it is not our will but the Father's will. He pressed through the process to gain progress.
Even though I get overwhelmed and stressed during the process I no longer make selfish decisions. I decide to keep moving forward. Trust me it is not easy as a single mother, trying to handle the stresses of life by yourself. I remember I would call an ex boyfriend for comfort or go have drinks to numb the pain. Not anymore! It's just me and Jesus. I hold him accountable and remind him about the promises he has made to me in scripture. He will never leave me or forsake. He will be my comforter, prince of peace, and he will provide all of my needs. I have to say these things to myself because this is how I turn to God and depend on Him to my missing piece.