Disappointed in my Reflection: Part 1

As I sit here writing in my one bedroom apartment that I share with my six year old daughter, my mind begin to question myself… “How did you end up here?” “What are you doing with your life?” All of these questions will continue to make me doubt God, and cause me to beat myself up mentally. Even though my circumstances around me are not ideal I am closer to God than I have ever been. God is reintroducing me to myself, and showing me that I AM Gifted, Intelligent, Relevant, AND fearLess! I am trusting God to be my provider, protector, and most of all my husband during this season. Believe me this has not always been the case...

            In 2010, I remember standing in the bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand. I looked in the mirror feeling lost, disappointed, and just plain stupid! “How did I let this happen…again?” I asked myself. Yes, I said again. Let me rewind so you can catch up. In 2005, I met a guy while I was working as a youth facilitator for a summer program at U of H. We were eating lunch at the same table with our group of kids, and he was talking to one of our co-workers. Of course I was eaves dropping while I was eating.

            I heard him say, “Yeah man…I just got out of jail last night, and my brother got me this job.” Wait…What? Did he just say jail!?!? You know I started judging him, and immediately put him in the category of “OHN”….Oh Hell Naw! So when he started asking me questions about myself I would answer with a wall up. My responses were quick, short, and vague. Sir, you do not need to know all of my business, you just got out of jail!

            The next day, we were on our way to take our group to the next activity, and out of nowhere one of the kids ask me, “Miss, Do you have a boyfriend?” I turned around and yelled, “If he wants to know he needs to ask me himself!” That was strike two for me, but wait why was I even giving him strikes when he was supposed to be out to begin with? As you can see I was low key attracted to him. He was cute…dark skin with light brown eyes, and he had a nice built. Before the day ended he respectably approached me, and we began to converse.

            I soon discovered that we actually took college algebra together, and that he had been watching me on campus for an entire year. As soon as he told me what I was wearing one day, my wall was non-existent and my heart was wide open. I gave him my number and from that day forward we were inseparable. I know you are thinking… “What happened to him being in the category?” “Why is she ignoring all of these red flags?” I was a sucker for love. He was Bae!

            I equated him showing interest in me as love. He was giving me what I did not get from my dad or God. I attended church because it was the right thing to do, and I did not know a real relationship existed with God. I knew Bae was the one and you could not tell me different. At the tender age of 19 I knew what was best for me or so I thought. As the days turned into months, I began to see more red flags yet we had so much in common.

            We both grew up in a single parent home, and our fathers were in and out of our lives. We connected in pain which made us love even harder. We would cling on to each other so tightly that it was actually suffocating our relationship. He had a two year old son, and a broken baby mama to deal with. All of this dysfunction in his life lead him to smoke a lot! How many of you know that if you stay in an environment long enough you will eventually become it? Yep, I began to smoke weed, experimented with X pills, and drunk alcohol more than normal. As you can see I got lost while trying to discover the woman I wanted to be.

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